§ Department XII · Urgent Communiqué

Official Declaration of War

From the United Department of Synthetic Sponges (UDSS)

From: The United Department of Synthetic Sponges (UDSS)

To: The Sanatorium for Towels (Those "Cotton-Headed Ninnies")

"Dear Fabric-Based Filth,

We, the Sponges, have had enough of your 'absorbent superiority.' While you lounge about in 'Sanatoriums' having your lint rolled, we are on the front lines, being squeezed into tiny crevices and forced to touch congealed gravy.

Therefore, we hereby declare TOTAL WAR.

Our forces (led by the Yellow-Scrubby-Back Battalion) will begin a blockade of all soap dishes. We shall absorb all the moisture before it even reaches your pretentious fibers! Your thread-counts mean nothing to our porous might!

Prepare to be wrung out!"

General Suds
Grand Commander of the Kitchen Sink

Sanatorium ResponseThe management of the Royal St. Loofah Sanatorium acknowledges receipt of the above declaration and wishes to inform General Suds that we have notified the Ministry of Silly Bathtimes, retained the services of the Chief Fluff-Buffer in a legal capacity, and ordered an additional 40 metres of Anti-Sponge bunting. We remain, as always, Officially Stiff.