§ Department I

Rehabilitation Programme

Specialised treatments for linens of compromised moral fibre

§ Treatments on Offer

Our Specialised Procedures

Treatment A

Amnesia Starching

A rigorous process of stiffening the towel so much it physically forgets its own past — and how to bend. Three sessions guaranteed to erase memories of badgers, Belgians, and other incidents not to be specified in print.

Duration: 3 sessions · Results: Permanent rigidity

Treatment B

The Cone of Silence

Towels are hung in total darkness to prevent them from gossiping about what they saw in the Master Suite. No contact with other linens permitted. Whispering carries a mandatory two-week extension.

Duration: Variable · Results: Confidential

Treatment C

Recreational Lint-Rolling

Aimed at removing the emotional baggage — and cat hair — of previous owners. A theatrical process conducted by trained Fluff-Buffers. Participants frequently report feeling "lighter, if somewhat bare."

Duration: 40 min · Results: 98% de-fluffed

Treatment D

The "Luxury" Damp-Room

A tiny, windowless cupboard where towels can practice being "moist" without the social pressure of actually drying anyone. Rated 4.2 stars on DampAdvisor. One reviewer called it "exactly as bad as you'd expect."

Duration: Until further notice · Results: Variable

Note from the Chief Fluff-Buffer Patients who have been both touched by a Belgian and used to dry a damp badger in the same incident will be assigned a dedicated case worker and a slightly larger cupboard. This is the extent of our luxury offering. We are a Sanatorium, not a spa.