Friends, Linens, Countrymen… lend me your selvage.

We are gathered here to mourn Arthur, a 100% Egyptian Cotton Bath Sheet who was, quite frankly, too soft for this cruel world. Last Tuesday, in a tragic case of mistaken identity involving a leaky radiator and a panicked plumber, Arthur was used as… (hushed gasps) …a rag.

He was dragged across a greasy floor, shoved into a toolbox, and eventually abandoned behind a u-bend. He did not die in a luxury hotel. He did not go out in a blaze of fabric softener. He died with a rusty nut embedded in his third hem.

May his threads rest in peace. May he be reincarnated as a Posh Napkin in a high-end bistro in Knightsbridge.

Dust to dust. Lint to lint.