§ Department X

The Head Matron's Secret Logbook

Found tucked behind a radiator in the "Room of Damp Regret"

§ Confidential Entries

Selected Entries

TimeEntry
09:15Patient #402 (An Egyptian Cotton Bath Sheet) refused to stop weeping. Claimed it was "condensation," but the salt content suggests deep existential despair regarding its previous life in a gym in Slough.
11:30Attempted "Tumble-Dry Therapy." The patient screamed in a high-pitched static and tried to cling to my polyester nursing uniform. Recommend 40 minutes of Extreme Starching.
14:00A group of face-cloths were caught whispering about "The Great Unravelling." Confiscated their soap and threatened them with a cold-water rinse.
16:45Found a tea-towel pretending to be a Royal Standard. It has been demoted to the kitchens to think about its lack of heritage.
Editor's NoteThe remainder of the logbook has been redacted on the advice of the Ministry of Damp's legal team. Entries between 17:00 and 19:45 are described only as "the Colonel incident" and are sealed until 2087.