§ Department VIII

The Grand Graduation Ceremony

Attended by three confused sheep and the Assistant Under-Secretary for Absorbency

§ The Proceedings

The Great Victorian Mangle of Destiny

The ceremony begins with the St. Loofah Brass Band (all playing tubas filled with lukewarm tea). As they strike up the national anthem, the Great Victorian Mangle of Destiny is wheeled into the courtyard.

  1. I. The Procession. The graduating towels are carried on silver trays by staff members wearing terry-cloth masks.
  2. II. The Final Flattening. Each towel is fed through the Giant Mangle. If it emerges without screaming or unravelling, it is declared "Socially Rigid."
  3. III. The Folding of Honour. The Head Matron performs the "Triple-Corgi-Fold," a maneuver so complex it requires a mathematical degree from Oxford.
  4. IV. The Dispersal. The towels are tossed into the back of a damp Bedford van and driven to a B&B in Scarborough, where they will spend the rest of their lives being ignored by tourists.
Dress CodeAll attending towels must be pressed to at least 40% stiffness. Flannels are not permitted on the premises during the ceremony. The three confused sheep are guests of the Ministry and are not to be questioned.