§ Department IX

Certificate of Stiff Reintegration

For linens officially cleared to re-enter British Society

✦ The Royal St. Loofah Sanatorium for Towels That Have Seen Too Much · East Cheam ✦

This document certifies that:

has successfully completed Rehabilitative Lint-Rolling and is no longer prone to spontaneous unravelling when encountering a Belgian. Having achieved a Thread Count of Zero-Gossip, this linen is hereby declared:

Officially Stiff Enough for British Society

In accordance with the provisions of the Linen Rehabilitation Act (1887) and the subsequent amendments thereof, and subject to the continued satisfaction of all dryness-related conditions herein specified.

Signed: Sir Archibald Damp-Sponge, KBE, DSO, and a small damp patch near the radiator

Instructions for Use This certificate should be framed and displayed prominently. In the event of a relapse — defined as any incident involving a Belgian, a badger, or unsolicited dampness — the certificate is to be surrendered immediately to the Chief Fluff-Buffer.