§ Department XI

The Secret Canteen Menu

For Discerning Linens · Prices in Buttons or Loose Change found in pockets

§ Today's Offerings

Cuisine of the Damp

DishDescriptionPrice
The "Soggy Crumpet" SpecialA slice of lukewarm toast served on a damp napkin. Must be eaten without moving.3 Buttons
Lint-Stew with Extra GritHarvested from the bottom of a 1982 tumble dryer. A taste that lingers.2 Buttons
The Ministry-Approved "Dry" SherryIt's just a glass of sand, but it's very sophisticated.5 Buttons
Boiled Elastic BandsFor that authentic "Stretched-to-Breaking-Point" flavour. Served cold.1 Button
Frozen Fabric Softener (Dessert)Served on a bed of industrial-grade pumice. The signature dish.4 Buttons
Chef's NoteAll dishes are prepared in strict accordance with the Ministry of Damp's Nutritional Guidelines for Distressed Linens (1923, revised 1947 following the "Bleach Incident"). Allergen information available upon written request to the Head Matron. Please allow 6-8 weeks for a response. She is very busy.